If You're Going to San Francisco, Be Sure to Wear Your Lakers Jersey

Last night I finished explaining to my friend why I will forever refuse to call San Francisco "the City" (being from Los Angeles and all). My logic is fairly simple...they are not the largest city in the state, and they are not the state capital. Why the fuck should they be known as "the City?" No dice. There's an old Monty Python sketch about the F-word and they say something along the lines, "Of all the words in the English language that begin with the letter F, fuck is the only one referred to as 'the F word.'" San Francisco has not earned that IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. Well, not just mine. After I got done explaining this to my friend, I sat back to enjoy my newly purchased copy of Eddie Izzard's stand-up act "Dress to Kill," which opens with:

So, San Francisco! ( singing ) San Francisco, San Francisco… Not “San Fran,” no, apparently not! I didn’t know that, I would’ve said “San Fran,” but you’d go, “No, we don’t like “San Fran,” fuck it!” Or what’s the other one you don’t…? Oh, Frisco! You don’t like that either. ( audience hissing ) And you’re a city of snakes, I see! ( Eddie hisses ) Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. ( hisses ) No other cities have snakes as much as you. I’ve been to New York, no fucking snakes; Paris, no snakes; London, no snakes. San Francisco, full of fucking snakes! ( hisses ) We did that at school! So you call it ( rolling eyes ) “The City.” ( mocking sounds ) “The City.”

And you don’t tell tourists about the weather in July and August. You don’t fucking tell anyone. They’re all going around in summer shirts, going, “Jesus Christ! I can’t see! I can’t see! Fog! There’s fog!” And it really shifts it, your fog! I saw John Carpenter’s film, “The Fog,” seen it a few times, and that fog shifts it. I thought, “Well, that’s Hollywood, that’s fog moving really fast,” but your fog is that speed! ( mimes running ) Busy, busy, busy! It could be late to get in someone’s face somewhere! It runs down the road, doesn’t it? Faster than the fucking taxis! Of which there are five…