Arrivaderci Academia

It occurred to me that there are no longer any current Boalties who were around when Dean Ortiz (she'll always be Dean O to me) was our Dean of Student Services.  I don't know the current Dean of Student Services, but I just simply cannot imagine anyone filling the big shoes that Dean O left behind when she became the inaugural Dean of Admissions at UCI.  I can write a very lengthy, gushing letter about all the greatness of Dean O (not to mention the institutional memory she brought to the law school), but this is not the place. 

This post is simply to congratulate her on her new venture, a law school application consultancy.  So three cheers to Dean O's new gig, and if there are any law school applicants out there, I can't think of any one better equipped to advise on the admissions process. 

A Message From the Past

I want to remind everyone exactly what Boalt is all about. Luckily, I found this film in the archives. Enjoy!

Message From The Administration About Your Smoking Problem

Howdy folks,

It's your friendly, happy administration here letting you know that you need to stop smoking. Obviously, you cannot smoke inside. But, what we want to remind you is that you cannot smoke anywhere near the law school. Outside on the patio? Nope. On the sidewalk on Bancroft? Are you joking, you tobacco stained loser, of course not. Next to the Archeology building? Don't know where that is? I'm sure you do, you dirty, dirty smoker. Don't you dumb smokers know that smoking kills people. Smoking kills lots of people. It's probably already killed you, but you don't know it yet. God, I am so pissed! We live in a healthy, productive society and fuck you smokers for putting your smoke through our windows and in our vents and just making this world a dirty, unattractive place. So, guess what. We have a policy. Our policy is that you smokers should quit immediately. But, because we can't determine law school admission by smoking preference, we've decided that we'll just not allow you to smoke anywhere near the school. Got it?! Seriously, I'm looking at you, J*y.

Fuck it,
The Administration

How to Make Boalt Suck

Howdy folks,

Today in our installment of "How to Make Boalt Suck" we're going to discuss how to leave passive aggressive notes in the study shacks in the library (or whatever they're called).

First, the text of our example note:

These carrels are meant to be available to all students. 'Reserving' them by leaving your computer for hours is inappropriate and unfair to others wishing to study. Please do not do this again.

As you can see, the note achieves admirable levels of passive aggressive gunning. Let me break it down for you so that you, too, can master the technique of library note gunning:

1. False authority. Make demands that you have no right to make and no way to enforce. End the note with a command that sounds serious but you know you cannot back up.

2. Be anonymous. The use of false authority along with anonymity bring the note up to truly magnificent levels passive aggressiveness. They'll think you could be anyone or everyone and it spares you having to actually be accountable for your behavior towards another law student. This step is crucial.

3. Liberal use of smear quotes. Don't like a "word," use a fucking smear quote! It makes you seem way more sarcastic and your criticism will be that much more pointed.

4. Cite a value most people will agree with and then pervert it to your gain. It's "unfair" for individuals to take up study spaces, but it's not unfair for you to use these tactics to make them feel bad about it.

5. Be inaccurate in your complaint. Use terms like "hours" instead of the real amount of time, which was more like 50 minutes.

6. Finally, and most importantly, complain at the least logical time to do so. Don't wait until exams or when the library's packed, make your complaint when you're not even inconvenienced! The fact that there are multiple other seating options directly next to the study cubby in question makes this note even more powerful and effective.

Follow these simple steps, kids, and we, too, can have a law school that sucks. Just ask the kids at UC...oh sorry, out of time!

(Thanks to DS for showing us this amazing example!)

Call Bill Murray

Apparently there's a woman haunting the construction site and maybe a library stack near you.

From the Archivist:

Work on the building continues round the clock, and several members of the graveyard shift have reported seeing the silent figure of a woman in a long black dress. She usually appears around 2:00 o’clock in morning, almost always on the third floor of the building. One worker saw her pass by the door of the room where he was working, heading for a corridor that he knew had been blocked by the construction. He immediately went to check the corridor, only to find it completely empty.

Sounds pretty sexy, right?

There have been other sightings, too:

Another member of the construction crew, though she has not seen the woman herself, reports that her father — a custodian in the building during the 1960s — frequently mentioned catching glimpses of the ghostly figure of a woman in a black dress when he worked alone late at night.

The Archivist also wants to assure everyone that the workers are not getting loaded at night:

We take no position on this ectoplasmic disturbance, other than to point out that the construction crew appear to be sober at the end of their shifts when we arrive at 6:30 each morning

The Archivist sounds awesome.

First Annual Boalt Ball Tournament

Want to be a hipster and get in on the newest, awesome thing at Boalt?

Well, come to the Boalt Ball Tournament sign up as featured above. Boalt Ball requires a love for graphic design, a steady hand and the wisdom of Justice Cardozo. It's also a great way to meet chicks.

Blake's and Beckett's Close in the Same Week, Please Don't Let Kip's Be Next

That's right. Both Beckett's and Blake's closed this week. They likely both went out of business because Boalt students boycotted both establishments due to their bad service and poor atmosphere. That and both were way too big to barely sell any food and be half full on the weekends.

So, what now? Well, it's clear that we really only have one choice: Every Bar Review from here on out is at Kip's. We cannot let the best-carpeted karaoke dance floor in the Western Hemisphere close and I think it's the responsibility of everyone to support a bar where the seating consists of picnic tables from my middle school.

Also, it's a great alternative to the Down Low. Just sayin'.

Love,
James

Is the Rumor True?

I heard a rumbling that starting this year WOA will be a graded course. Is that true?

If so, I feel that is great news. For better or worse, and despite our occasional posturing to the contrary, grades do motivate Boalties. Because I feel that WOA and LRW are the most foundationally useful classes in the 1L lineup (civ pro is a close runner up) any added anxiety will be worth it. Better to fret over how to synthesize cases and express an argument than over the application of economic theory to contributory negligence.

This is Not a Miley Cyrus Concert, This is Civil Procedure

Dear 1Ls,

I understand this is an exciting time in all of your lives. You're here! At Law School! Fantastic!

But, if I have to dodge a bum rush while coming out of Evidence because, as one of you exclaimed at me as you pushed past, "The seating chart was erased!" I am probably going to have an aneurysm. I understand that this is my fault. I simply don't get how sitting in the perfect seat is akin to getting the best deals on Black Friday at Wal Mart or shaking Barack Obama's hand, but please, for my health, wait for those of us exiting class to get out of your way before you run in to play "musical chairs" or "go to the head of the class" or whatever the hell you people call it.

10am is just too early to be subjected to a 1L stampede.

Love,
James

P.S - To whoever thinks it's a good idea to sign up on a seating chart before you physically occupy the seat in question, we should also have a discussion.

Uncle Zeb Goes Digital

If you are a Boaltie and don't know who Uncle Zeb is, shame on you! Run to the library and ask to see the "Zeb Book." Do it now - you will be glad you did.

If you are an alum who misses the musing wisdom of our communal cosmic companion, you're in luck. "The Best of Uncle Zeb" has been posted online by the Green Bag. Here is a link, but beware - the pdf is almost as large as Zeb's brain.

On Asking Professors to Move Up Exam Dates

So, you're in a class where the last few weeks of class are canceled. You've had your outline prepared since week five and boy oh boy, wouldn't it be great if you could just take the exam a few weeks early? Gee, it would be swell, wouldn't it. Why don't I just raise my hand and ask my professor to move the date up?

If this is you, please don't do it.

Moving up an exam, a few weeks before said exam would take place, is not fair to your classmates. Every class should have a syllabus. The syllabus should be distributed at the beginning of the semester and it should set the expectations for when exams will take place. If the syllabus does not list any exam times, it has to be assumed, 10 weeks into the semester, that the exam will take place at the scheduled time, not a few weeks ahead of time.

Setting aside the fact that it isn't fair to anyone who has scheduled (or not scheduled, as the case may be) their studying to coincide with the exam taking place on the actual scheduled exam date, you look like a huge fucking gunner.

Happy Valentine's Day, Boalt

I know it's a few days early, but happy V-day. Here's a video from Oppenheimer's Civ Pro Class on Thursday to get you in the festive spirit.

7th Circuit Upholds Prison Ban of D&D

The nerds can't catch a break:

In an opinion issued on Monday, a three-judge panel of the Chicago-based Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals hexed a lawsuit challenging a ban on the game of Dungeons & Dragons by the Waupun Correctional Institution in Wisconsin.

The suit was brought by a prisoner, Kevin T. Singer, who argued that his First Amendment and 14th Amendment rights were violated by the prison’s decision to ban the game and confiscate his books and other materials — including a 96-page handwritten manuscript he had created for the game.

The Court determined that playing D&D could lead to enhanced gang behavior and violent escape attempts. This might be true for any actual gang members who were exposed to D&D nerds, but I doubt D&D would meaningfully contribute to this sort of behavior.

A Modest Proposal

Seriously, people, stop flipping out about the seating charts. You don't need to fill it out ahead of time. You don't need to have intra-mod email chains (tres, I'm looking at you) debating what the appropriate etiquette is because I'll make it very, very simple:

Go to class, sit in a seat. Fill in the chart once you sit in the seat. I understand that HHs only go to those in the first three rows in the middle, but you still look like a huge chomo filling that shit in early.

Love,
James

Stop Chewing So Damn Loud in the Library or Proper Library Etiquette

Since I know you all have come to look to me for advice on how to behave in public (hint: it involves consistent heavy drinking) Peter and I wanted to give everyone a helpful guide of what not to do in the library:

1. Don't cut your toenails. You know who you are.


2. Don't wear perfume or cologne. This is a library not a fucking Abercrombie. If we can smell you and you're not making out with one of us then you're wearing too much fragrance.


3. While we're on odors, take a shower. Again, if we can smell you and we're not making out there is a definite issue.


4. Don't laugh. This is finals. We realize none of us are actually studying in our carrels, but don't break the illusion. (Also, Gunners, adverse possession isn't fucking funny).


5. Don't chew with your mouth open. Don't grunt, don't snort, don't snuffle. We're right fucking next to you, dude. So every time you smack your lips while chewing that gum, grunt when you readjust your pants or groan when the combination of coffee and cheetos you've been eating for the last four days makes your stomach hurt, we can hear it. And it's gross. And we're studying. And did we mention it's gross?


6. Don't come here if you're sick. Oh, poor you, you're sick. Get the fuck out of our library. You disgust us, you're distracting us, and if you get us sick we're going to knife you. (But not in the library because only a huge asshole would come to the library sick).


7. Turn your cellphone to silent. Silent doesn't mean vibrate. AND DON'T FUCKING ANSWER IT.


8. Stop unbuttoning your pants, loosening your belt or doing anything else that would remind us of my grandpa in an Italian restaurant. This isn't your fucking bedroom. You want to take off your clothes? Go home, or at least to the Student Center.


9. See that thing about a half inch above your mouth? Breath through it. If it's clogged up, blow it. If it whistles, blow it. Blow ≠ sniffle incessantly. Honestly, you're probably sick so gtfo of the library.


10. Just plain shut up. Stop talking. Right now. Whispering is talking. Yes, we can hear you. No, you don't understand proximate cause. Now shut up.

Peter helped me put this list together, but if you see him tell him (in American Sign Language, see rule #10) to zip up his fucking pants.

A Law School Slacker's Guide to Cramming

Now that we are back from Thanksgiving and facing finals, it may dawn on us law school slackers just how far behind we are in studying. For all of you 1Ls, don't despair! You might fear that it is impossible to catch up, but that's not necessarily true.

Having found myself in this position before, I wanted to share tips on how to catch up. The resulting grades might not put you in the running for a Supreme Court clerkship, but they might help you to learn the material that you need to know for exams quickly. These strategies have helped me, but feel free to chime in with your own ideas.

Here it goes:

1. Base your outline on another person's outline. Don't break the honor code, but use their outline to create your attack outline for the test. In my experience, it doesn't help to try to create my own full outline from scratch if I am far behind.


2. Buy commercial supplements. I like to use one "case summary" supplement that summarizes the cases you need to know and one narrative-style treatise to explain how all of the cases fit together.


3. Use your syllabus or table of contents to organize and distill the morass of information into manageable quantities of law.


4. Keep up hope! Especially as 1Ls, we sometimes feel despondent if we haven't briefed every case and finished outlines before Thanksgiving. Cheer up! Grades can be arbitrary, but no matter how far behind you think you are, you can still take action to put yourself in a better position.

Best of Luck!

BHSA Rep Proposes Edley No Confidence Vote

In a week filled with good ideas, this might be the best one yet.

You might know Dean Edley as the guy behind Boalt's rise in the rankings, the Summer Fellowship Program or the architect of the best LRAP program in the country. I guess one of the 1L BHSA reps was too busy reading memos because the representative in question apparently suggested the BHSA hold a vote of "no confidence" on Edley at last night's meeting. The idea, also apparently, didn't go over well.

Seems like someone caught strike fever.

Anyone want to defend this position? This makes me wonder what other bullshit goes on at BHSA meetings.

Two Cold-Calls and a Funeral (of Sorts)

Week 5 and all is well among the 1Ls. Sure, some of us are starting to wilt a little from the new workload (or mysteriously disappear*) but Fall Break is sure to put a little spunk back into our step!



*As in the intriguing case of Prof. L*vy’s torts class last week…

Professor: Hmm, let me call on someone who hasn’t spoken yet. Is _______ here?

[Awkward silence]

Student #1: Uhh, professor? That guy used to sit here. I... I don't see him around anymore.

Professor: Oh, well in that case, how about _______?

[Another awkward silence]

Student #2: She hasn't been here since week 2.

At which point we collectively erupted into nervous-slash-mildly-disturbed laughter. Personally, I'd like to think those kids didn't call it quits - but were giving us an expert-level demonstration of The Marvin.

Lessons 1Ls Either Should Have Learned or Should Be Prepared For…

First of all, congratulations to all 1L’s on finishing the first 1/6 of your legal education.  To all those 3Ls who are one semester away from it being over, my condolences ahead of time.

Here I will impart to 1Ls (and really slow 2Ls and 3Ls) a few things about law school that you will likely learn on your own someday, but will help you much more if you can grasp early on.  For some people, these ideas never sink in.  These people are determined to define life as a struggle.  I cannot reach these people.

First, the classroom.  By now you have probably experienced the much ballyhooed “Socratic method”.  Look, it is complete bullsh*t.  It need not cause anyone an ounce of anxiety. The sharp ones out there have already figured this out: if you get cold-called in class and proceed to make an absolute ass of yourself, there are ZERO consequences for your grade.  Sure, maybe you feel embarrassed or disappointed in yourself, but these stem from your own vanity and conceit and have nothing to do with your grade (do away with those and you will be forever better off, but that is another story).  Behold, the beauty of anonymous grading!  Your grades in almost every class in law school will be 100% the result of a the mixture of your final exam plus randomness (see below).  So enjoy the opportunity to make crap up on the fly when you are cold-called and generally unprepared.  This will much better prepare you for real practice, when you will frequently have to act way more prepared than you actually are, than will investing way too much time preparing for class by boning up on useless case law.

Second, reading.  If you are really hung up about doing the casebook reading, you are wasting your time. If you don’t know this yet, you will once your grades come out (see below).  For certain classes maybe it is helpful…but for the most part, you can read a case brief, get the gist, and then go enjoy some free time.  There is nothing wrong with reading assigned case law, if you can, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking it is necessary and making yourself crazy in order to do 100% of it.

Third, grading.  You will find out your first semester grades sometime before you graduate.  Maybe even before March.  Your grades are, for the most part, random.  Professors will read your exams with varying degrees of attention.  For the smaller classes, sure, they will scrutinize more, and good work is likely to get rewarded.  But for the huge 1L classes, here is what will happen.

The professor will read your exam and quickly recognize it as one of three types.  The first type is the really well written, reasoned, top-notch law exam.  That exam will be considered for an HH, depending on how many others fall into this group. 

The second type is the really poor exam, missing important issues; lacking facility with legal reasoning; and poorly organized.  However, this is not a “sub-P”; rather, as long as there is SOME evidence of the student having attended class, this student will get a P. 

Then there is the third group of papers falling in the middle.  Not superb, not brilliant, but quality.  These will be all so similar, that the professor will give them a very cursory reading and have little ability to rank the exams against each other.  Most of the papers will be P’s, but some will creep into the H range depending on the size of the first category. 

So, the professor will either (a) throw the papers down the stairs and rank them according to how they fall; (b) have his/her 3 year old decide how to rank the papers; or (c) ask Zoltar how to rank each paper.  (Option (c) is unlikely, because of the required investment in quarters).

I know some of you will find this incredible.  Others of you are going to write exams that fall into the first category.  But for the rest of us, the results will demonstrate my point here.  You will either believe it, or you will resist it and keep overworking and stressing about your grades as if they really correlated to your stress level and work ethic.  But if you can take this lesson to heart now, don’t find it despairing.  Do not be disappointed; be uplifted, for it is a blessing.  You do not need to worry about your grades, because you are mostly going to be in the random category anyway, so find fun and productive and edifying ways to spend your time in law school.  Get involved in a clinic.  Get into yoga.  Make moonshine in your bathtub.  Organize the 2nd Annual Unofficial Boalt Hall Paintballing Extravaganza (for those who were at it last year, you know it was freakin’ amazing, and you’re welcome; carry the torch, and I promise to show up).  Try and get laid for once.  Do something interesting for once. 

The randomness of grading, and thus the insanity of really investing much hope in good grades, also allows you all to focus on the classes that really matter.  Anyone who has taken the bar exam and/or worked in the field can tell you most of your classes are largely irrelevant to either the bar exam or working as a lawyer.  Of course the 1L classes are on the bar exam, but you will be re-learning these subjects in whole for the bar exam, and especially for criminal law and property, they will be very different beasts.  Your success on the bar exam will have almost no correlation with how hard you worked on those subjects as a 1L.  To the contrary, your success at a job will be related to how well you can write.  So you probably don’t want to blow off LRW or WOA.  Yeah, they are undervalued, unit-wise.  But your other grades are random, and those classes don’t matter for sh*t, so you might as well give a little more attention to LRW and WOA. 

(In my opinion, beyond 1L year, the most bar-helpful classes are evidence, civil procedure II (you be a fool if you don’t take it), and criminal procedure.  A bonus is that these subjects are not especially difficult.)

Two important points are worth mentioning here.  First, if you want to clerk, my comments about grades not mattering do not really apply to you.  Grades definitely matter for that.

Second, some of you might be wondering whether grades matter more today because of the economic clusterf*ck in which we are mired.  I think there is some merit to this, but it should not be overstated.  Firms are hiring fewer people right now, and will naturally gravitate towards students with better grades.  That said, there are counterbalancing factors here.  First, law firms may have a better idea of how they are faring by next August, when they will start looking at your transcripts.  Hopefully things will look better by then.  Second, whether you care about your grades or not, your grades are most likely random…this is in beautiful harmony with the utter chaos of the universe in general.  Learn to love it.  If you do, besides being more attractive to nihilists, the energy you can divert to other interesting activities (both school-related and otherwise) will also make you seem more interesting to law firms.

DZ, OUT!

From the OCIP Spin Room

From a previous thread:

Anonymous said . . .

Off topic, but how about a post on the 2L/3L job market, from a Boalt perspective?



Like the one here: [ ATL Link 1; Link 2].

I had part of that conversation last night with a friend, who wondered whether the recent economic events will affect job prospects for Boalt's class of 2011.

On one hand, I'm hardly in a position to know; I've never been to Boalt before, nor have I ever chased a high end professional job -- with or without a downturn. On the other hand, I do suspect Boalties are more insulated than most law students in this country.   If law firms are indeed tightening the belts, they are probably hiring less deeply into the curve, or forging hiring at some schools altogether. Babble on the internets suggests that what happened here with Thelen happened at other schools on a larger scale.  I realize that all of what I just said is heavy on pontification and light on substance, but hey, I'm a law student. It's become my forté.

Incidentally, a count of "+" marks in OCI threads from previous years suggests that Boalt actually landed callbacks from more firms this year than last, although how they may have been distributed across the class is anyone's guess.

Finally, I'm exhausted on OCI stuff. But if you still have the steam, here is your thread.

----------------
[Update 10/09: The Shark argues if you want to hedge your bets against a recession, California is the place to do it.]