Thursday, February 16, 2006

Allow me to retort

Responding to a Boalt Briefs listing that the no. 9 worst 1L pick up line overheard at bar review is, "Hi, I'm Jesse; can I buy you a drink?" Jesse writes the following about the author of Boalt Briefs: (Note, I think this is too funny to be deprived from the general public, and so while I apologize if I offend anyone by posting, I'm not going to budge).

***

This just in: Martin White Sucks!!

As some of you may know, in the latest edition of the venerable Boalt Briefs, editor (by default) Martin White posited what he claimed was the 9th worst pick-up overheard at Bar Review: “Hi, I'm Jesse; can I buy you a drink?” This joke being at my expense, I thought that I may enter into a dialogue with Martin White to respond to this affront to my dignity. What follows may or may not be true, but if you know Martin White personally, something I don’t recommend, I am sure that these will resonate harmoniously with your conceptualization of that funny looking man.

While he might claim that his busted arm is the result of a rugby injury, in actuality, his collarbone fracture is the result of a freak accident arising from his favorite hobby: baby seal clubbing.

Martin White cannot say the phrase “pro bono” without giggling. In spite of this, or because of this, he was offered a position at the firm of Kirkland & Ellis, which he quickly turned down, because he felt that they were “too liberal.”

Martin is the type of guy who would start “the Wave” at a funeral.

I like the guy, but I would never leave him alone with my younger brother, or any of my younger brother’s clothing.

Martin White sets the prices at “Café Zeb.”

Contrary to popular belief, the term “martinize” does not mean a process for cleaning/pressing clothing. Its real definition is : “ to express a blatant and gratuitious contempt for the well-being of your fellow man.” The following is the proper use of the word:

Poor homeless pregnant woman: “Can you spare change?”
Martin: “Don’t you look me in the face you smelly drug addict!” (spits on her)
Woman: “Please don’t Martinize me.”

In high school at Lick-Wilmerding in SF (a private school), Martin White was voted “least likely to be a decent human being.” That category did not exist before Martin’s year, and he was the unanimous recipient of that distinction. Thereafter, the superlative has been changed to “most likely to be the next Martin White.” It has only been awarded 3 times; two of the students awarded are now in jail and the third is at Stanford.

Martin White thinks Boalt Women are: “ [too] smart [for their own good].”

Martin White is a staunch supporter of frois gras, and not because he likes the way it tastes. He actually hates the way it tastes (“not enough like veal”); he just likes the idea of force-feeding helpless geese.

Several federal courts have issued a nation-wide injunction, at the behest of the Humane Society and several state governments, against pet stores from selling animals to Martin White. Similarly, he is not allowed within 50 feet of any playground.

In a high school production of "The King and I,” Martin was passed over for the role of Satan, because Martin “looked too evil” for the part.

When asked about Martin White, Jesus Christ was known to say “Hell, if I knew I’d be dying for his sins, I might have done things a little differently. Would have definitely thought longer about a career in usury, that’s fo sho! ”

Unlike images of Allah, Muslims do not mind drawings of Martin White. They use them as a warning to their children of the ill effects of not properly observing the faith. I hear it works really well.

When Martin White thinks of “Passover,” he thinks of asking for his favorite, and thus triaf, dish: “please Passover the lobster-ham casserole with extra cheese.” He washes this down with a tall glass of luke-warm RC cola.

When Buddhists advocate “oneness with all,” they are sure to include that provision that Martin White is not included.

Martin’s favorite movie is “Life Aquatic.”

Martin considers “disco” to the pinnacle of western popular culture, second only to physiognomy.

Martin White gets all his news from Fox News.

Martin White has been kicked out of several Hindu religious events for inappropriately fondling the more ample features of some of their deities.

In Swahili, “Martin White” roughly translates to “malevolent goat man” and is used to scare small children and domesticated animals with great effect.

Martin White voted for George W. Bush, twice. OK, OK, that’s not true. He isn’t that bad.

Martin White is on CLR.

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11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What were the other nine -- for those of us playing from home?

2/16/2006 5:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Martin White's kind of a sexy, in a geeky, awkward, Jewish guy kind of way.

2/16/2006 5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

martin, please don't pose as someone else to defend yourself. you're better than that.

2/16/2006 6:45 PM  
Blogger Armen said...

Top 14 Worst 1L Pick Up Lines Overheard at Bar Review

1. What's an average-looking guy like you doing in a sh*thole like this?

2. I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not.

3. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

4. Hey, so what's the pink tirangle button supposed to mean?

5. Wow, the facebook really does add ten pounds...

6. So, Professor moran, any chance you'll be needing a research assistant this summer?

7. Here. I caught you a delicious bass.

8. Care to come back to my apartment for some Courvoisier and a "Cleveland Steamer"?

9. Hi, I'm Jesse; can I buy you a drink?

10. Nobody puts Daniel Redman in the corner. Nobody!

11. Actually, I go to Hastings.

12. Are those new tennis shoes, Dean Edley?

13. Are those mirrors on your pants, because I can see myself in your mirror pants?

14. So, how much do you bill per hour?

2/17/2006 7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was confused by number 6: "So, Professor moran, any chance you'll be needing a research assistant this summer?" I don't go to bar review though, so maybe that is why I don't get it. Don't tell me Moran goes to bar review...does she?

2/19/2006 11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm confused with 11:38

2/19/2006 2:31 PM  
Blogger stacita said...

jesse -- i thought your pick-up line was "hey baby... i'm the best dry humper you've ever met!"

2/19/2006 3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Staci:
I am sorry about the other night. It will not happen again, trust me. As a gesture of my sincerety, I am providing a link to a website that makes me think of you. (you may have to cut and paste)

http://www.bustedtees.com/shirts/jerseygirls

2/19/2006 5:37 PM  
Blogger stacita said...

jessiey,

you are so creative. i've had that shirt, for like, evs.

and since I really love you, I would get you this in return: http://www.goodvibes.com/item--i-1-4-BA-0410--m-08_76.html

2/20/2006 8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well-played Ms. Schesser. Well-played.

2/20/2006 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to switch topics, but did you folks hear about how Boalt Hall admissions jumped the gun and sent out invite emails to students it hadn't even admitted to the law school? See below. Boalt had better watch out. These kinds of screw-ups are not great for attracting the best. Armen, if it fancies you, you might consider setting up a separate comment on this topic. You'd figure that the soap opera of Boalt Hall admissions is almost as newsworthy as the soap opera of Martin and Jesse.

Published Tuesday, February 21, 2006
YALE DAILY NEWS
Berkeley official sent misleading e-mails
Admissions director admits mistake

BY DANIEL KATZ
Staff Reporter

Edward Tom, director of admissions at the University of California, Berkeley's Boalt Hall School of Law, confirmed Monday that he accidentally sent a large percentage of the school's applicants nationwide an e-mail on Friday congratulating them on their admission to the school, along with at least one of two apology e-mails asking students to disregard the initial message and stating that it did not imply admission.

The initial message and first apology were sent to applicants with last names in the first half of the alphabet, Tom said, and the second apology was sent to the entire applicant pool. Tom said the initial e-mail was sent at approximately 3 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, while Tom was teaching a staff member how to use the e-mail system linked to the applicant pool e-mail list. The office expert was unavailable at the time.

"I was fiddling around with the filters, the program, and I did something wrong," Tom said. "You have one of those moments when you click on the mouse and you say, 'Oh, no.' I clicked the mouse and I immediately realized what I had done, and I sat there that moment like I was in a fugue."

The first e-mail was sent with the subject line "You Are Cordially Invited" and extended an invitation to a reception for newly admitted students of color at the home of Boalt professor Richard Buxbaum. The event has in past years been for students of color, Tom said, but is now open to all admitted students who are on the Berkeley campus that day.

"I am writing to congratulate you once more on your recent admission to Boalt Hall and to cordially invite you to one more special event," the e-mail read.

Approximately 20 minutes later, the same applicants received a brief second e-mail with the subject line "AN ERROR AND AN APOLOGY" asking students to disregard the first message. Tom said he composed the "very terse retraction" in a state of crisis after sending the first message.

"In hindsight, I probably should have composed a longer, more apologetic explanation," Tom said. "In the heat of the moment, I wanted to get out a retraction because I realized the implications of this. I know that for many people my initial e-mail mistake caused a lot of heartache, and I deeply regret it."

The third and "more fulsome" e-mail with the subject line "AN EXPLANATION AND ANOTHER APOLOGY" was sent on Saturday morning to the entire applicant pool, Tom said.

"To those of you who were recipients [of the first e-mail], I wish to express our deep regret for any confusion or disappointment our error may have caused," the e-mail read.

Noah Gold, who graduated from Binghamton University last year and received the series of e-mails, said that he was disappointed after realizing that the first e-mail did not imply his admission, but that he understands the error.

"It kind of sucked for obvious reasons, but I understood," Gold said. "Mistakes happen."

Jacob Jou '06, who received the e-mail messages, said that although he appreciated the more extended apology in the third e-mail, he wished the message had acknowledged responsibility for the error.

"I was happy to receive the longer apology eventually," Jou said. "That's better than not sending it at all. I feel as though they should have taken responsibility specifically for their mistakes. For them to explain it was good, but when they didn't take responsibility for it, it was not so good."

Yale Law School spokesman Klas Bergman said he thinks the error was unfortunate for the students receiving the e-mails, but that anyone can make a mistake.

"We certainly sympathize with the students who received the erroneous e-mails, but we also realize that mistakes can happen to anyone," Bergman said in an e-mail. "Here at Yale Law School, we try to be extra careful in this age of electronic communication. We believe we have a good system in place."

Undergraduate Career Services Director Philip Jones said such errors occur regularly in college admissions.

"Who among us has never pressed 'send,' only to regret it a split second later? That doesn't justify it, or make it more palatable, but it might help to make it a little more 'understandable,'" Jones said in an e-mail.

Tom said he has notified a few applicants to the Boalt Hall School of Law of their admission by e-mail and that students previously notified of their acceptance should not be concerned about Friday's e-mails.

2/21/2006 12:36 AM  

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