Memo to Mr. Chavez

Congrats to all of the graduating 3Ls and also to all of their families! I hope everyone had a great graduation weekend.

In talking to many of the graduates and their families after the ceremony, a consensus definitely seemed to form: Holy Crap that was incredibly long, hot, and boring. The joke everyone was repeating was that it was a good thing Howard Dean didn’t show up, because it was long enough already.

None of this is meant as a shot against the student organizers—I know how hard they worked, under particularly difficult circumstances, and they did a great job. Mainly I just want to recap some of the funny stuff that happened and give Mr. Chavez, the new 3L rep, some suggestions for improving next year’s ceremony. If I miss anything notable, please mention it in the comments.

(Note: the following is not necessarily in order.)

--Why don’t Boalt students automatically get tix? There is plenty of room at the Greek (the benches up top were less than half full) and more students would make it livelier and more of a community event. There is no reason not to encourage more 1Ls and 2Ls to be there.

--The pre-game show was a reggae band. When the faculty came into the theater in their robes, a recording of Pomp & Circumstance was played. But then when the students started piling in, the recording was switched off, and we were treated to the reggae band’s steel drum version of P&C. I’m not making this up.

--Then came the first mention that 97% of the class has contributed to the class campaign. This is the first of roughly 87 times that we will hear this statistic today. I kept waiting for someone from the 3% to leap on stage with a gun and dare someone to try and make him give $15.

--Dean Edley started off by announcing that Howard Dean wouldn’t be speaking, and that he would summarize what Dean likely would have said. Then Edley started hopping around the stage, yelling about financial aid, and public service, etc., and finishing up with a YEAAAHHHHH!! It was actually really funny and got a great reaction. He took the joke on about a minute longer than necessary—but still, a nice start. My friend and I put the over/under on "Awkward Edley Moments" (TM) during the ceremony at 6.

--The Boalt ensemble then sang a song. This was pretty enjoyable, especially because the two girls who sang solos (I don’t know their names) were really great. But why did they choose to sing “Seasons of Love” from Rent? It’s a pretty good song and all, but isn’t Rent about AIDS and death and poverty in 1980’s New York? Maybe next year we can do the score from Sophie's Choice.

--Prisca gave a great speech, probably the highlight of the ceremony. Then a second student (Prisca’s co-prez, I think) and an LLM student also gave speeches. In no way was it overkill to have 3 loooonnnngggg student speeches. Really, not in the least.

--Professor Heyman. Oy. Now, I’m sure Prof. Heyman is a great guy, a brilliant scholar, a Boalt institution. But as a graduation speaker, he left a little something to be desired. Namely, an end to his speech. The students that picked him apparently asked him to compare Boalt in 1959 (his first year) to today. Heyman took this literally and actually provided a list of Boalt’s characteristics circa 1959, right down to the number of students and admissions process. This was even less interesting than it sounds. He also made a couple of somewhat politically incorrect statements about women at Boalt. And this went on and on and on…. Whomever the speaker is next year—cough, Prof. Bundy, cough—should be asked to speak for 5 minutes at the absolute most, and to make it relevant to the graduating class.

--Next up came awards. This is a nice enough part of the ceremony but it took way too long. Each award was accompanied by a lengthy explanation of the award, a lengthy bio of the winner (the winner of the academic award looked downright embarrassed when Edley told the audience how many HH’s he had), and then a lengthy pause while that person walked up, took pictures, and then walked back to their seat. I think everyone would be just fine with an announcement of the award, one sentence about what they’re all about, and then the name of the winner (no biographies). And you can just have everyone up there at once. This would take several less minutes and would feel even shorter because of the rapid-fire succession of the names.

--Have you ever noticed how much hotter the sun feels when there is a long, awkward pause during the ceremony? I noticed. About 16 times.

--Then came the awarding of the degrees to PhD, JSD and other advanced degree students. Instead of just quickly reading off the names, each person was called up individually and Edley read a protracted summary of their work. Not only was this not interesting and irrelevant to 99.9% of the people there, but it took FOREVER. Again, call them all up at once and just read their names. If it is absolutely necessary the Dean can read the title of their thesis.

--I get a phone call on my cell from a graduating 3L. She is calling me, during her graduation, to tell me that, despite the flask of Wild Turkey, she has never been so hot and so bored in her life. Truly a special day in her life.

--Finally, we got to the awarding of degrees to the JD students. But by this point people were so hot and restless that no one paid much attention. As soon as the JD students began to line up, many people made a beeline for shade or just turned to their neighbor and started talking. I can hardly blame anyone—by this point everyone was hot, uncomfortable, and grumpy (including myself). Also, the microphone wasn’t turned up very loud, so you couldn’t even hear the names over the din of the crowd. I actually missed the names of about 80% of the people I was there to see. The audience was just kind of talking and walking around, so it all felt very informal by this point.

This is not to say that there weren’t some nice moments. Many people’s families waited anxiously for a name to be called and went totally crazy when they finally heard it. I’m a little bit jealous of people whose families are so enthusiastic—I have to imagine that next year my entire contingent (i.e. my parents) will clap politely when my name is called, so do me a favor and cheer when you hear the name Max Power!

--Finally the last person’s name was called and everybody threw their hats up in the air! Everybody got up and began moving toward the exits, but was it really over? Nope! Dean Edley chose this time to make a plea for more money. This isn’t such a terrible thing to do during a graduation, but why do it after everyone thinks we’re already done? It was one of those uncomfortable moments where people pretend to listen, but really they are inching closer to the door so that they can get out of there that much quicker. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thousand people move ever so slightly in one direction, oh so quietly, all at the same time. It was actually quite impressive.

So that’s graduation. All in all a good day, but one that should be better next year. My suggestions: less explanation, especially for the advanced degree students and the JD awards; student and faculty speakers (and there should be no more than 1 of each) should be allotted 5 minutes at the most; there should be no downtime whatsoever—this means all advanced degrees should be handed out in succession, as should all of the JD awards; do we really need to sing a song?

Most importantly, a couple of times during the awarding of degrees, please ask people to stay in their seats and be quiet—there is no reason the 250^th student shouldn’t get the same respect as the 1^st student. If the ceremony hasn’t already been dragging on, this will not be an onerous request.

Congrats again to the 3Ls, but hopefully we can make next year’s ceremony shorter and more enjoyable.