Straight From The Horse's Mouth: Spring 2009
It's time for the semi annual Professor Quotes (scroll down) thread. As you'll see when you read the comments, I have been less diligent this semester than in the past. It appears to be a developing trend.
Today, however, I did encounter the what is undoubtedly the quote of the year:
Today, however, I did encounter the what is undoubtedly the quote of the year:
Boalt Registrar: "Is that the completion form for your writing requirement? Congratulations. That must be a real load off! Good luck with the rest of your exams."You heard that right, folks: someone in the Registrar's office was nice to a student. Of course, it was a new guy (yes, a guy!) whom I've never seen, so they'll likely beat the cheer out of him in no time . . . All the same, what a lovely surprise!
Labels: Professor Quotes, The Resident Evil
posted by Patrick Bageant at 12:49 PM
30 Comments:
Adjunct M (Complex Civil Litigation):. . . but in the asbestos cases, the Judges always said "no." It was almost like a Saturday night at my house: "No. No. No. No. No."
Visiting Professor M (Con Law):Professor: I don't actually know what goes into cement, other than limestone. Here is an SAT question for you: Limestone is to cement, as standing timber is to . . . ?
Student: The Japanese?
Professor: [Turning to student] You’re the animal rights person, right? [proposes hypothetical commerce clause statute that says “no beating up your dog”] Constitutional?
Student: Ummm . . . . [silence]
Professor: We’re not talking about making a better shampoo here, we’re talking about regulating you and your pet.
You’re going to have to speak up. There is somebody trying to drill through the walls.
Professor: What if the City of Berkeley said it was going to ban all mineral water, because consuming fats is unhealthy. Would that pass rational basis?
Student: Well, you cannot live if you cannot drink water . . .
Professor: No, only mineral water. I’m not trying to ban all water consumption – even the City of Berkeley wouldn’t go that far. I think.
One person’s obscenity is another persons . . . um . . . euphoria!
When it comes to rules of decision, it looks like the Court sometimes just make it up. Because they do! But what choice do we have as lawyers? You put me in a District Court, and I’ll look at these rules of decision and say, “well, they’re making it up but I guess I have to go along.” You put me on the Supreme Court, though, and give me powers of persuasion such that I can always convince at least four people to go along with me, well, hot damn. We can get down to making some law! That’s what’s so awesome about judicial review: I got my preference in there once again, Constitution be damned! Ha!
And why do all these milk producers set up operations in Vermont? Because labor is cheap, that’s why. Think about it – you’re from Vermont. What are you going to do for a living? Be as ski instructor, or milk cows, that’s what.
Rule of thumb: winners are never guilty of war crimes; losers get hung. Well, that’s pretty cynical. Maybe I should revise that.
The test for judicial bypass for parental consent to abortion is whether the minor is mature and aware enough to make the decision. But if I was a federal judge, and a 17-year-old girl came in my chambers seeking a judicial bypass, I’d say that she knew to come to a court and seek judicial remedy is dispositive evidence that she knows what she’s doing. How could you tell that person no?
Professor: “Has anyone taken Wills & Trusts?”
Student: “I have . . . but I don’t remember it.”
Professor: “Yeah, I do not remember either – and I’ve TAUGHT Wills & Trusts.”
Student 1: “Actually, that point is very debated.”
Student 2: “No it’s not!” [Students begin debating]
Here is a secret: Brown v. Board of Education is the test for constitutional theories. ANY theory has to make Brown right – otherwise, it’s a faulty theory.
Professor B (Public Lands):It’s a bureaucracy, is not that by definition red tape?
Full disclosure: I worked on this case and came out on the losing side. You can use that to judge my ability to teach this doctrine. I am not bitter about this case. Not bitter at all.
[More to come later this week, after I glean what I can from my handwritten Legal Philosophy notes.]
mmmbrbmmmrbr mmmrbmm mlllm .... heard in Civ Pro II
look at all these fluff classes you took. legal philosophy and public lands? man. I want your schedule.
Trust me me, I'd be glad to trade.
1:02 = made my day. hilarious.
Estates & Trusts:
I promise I'll kill all the grandparents on the exam.
Civ Pro II:
Undeniably, this airplane did crash, which is out of the ordinary
Complex Civil Litigation:
Guest speaker (expert on water law): "If it's no longer economical for them to grow alfalfa on their land, they'll just have to grow something else like . . ."
McG*vern, excitedly interrupting: "Golf balls!"
did he kill all the grandparents this year? last year he left a pesky one alive, and it was a pain.
I'll answer that for you after the exam period is over. Cheater.
"Abducting him was no small matter. He weighed over 300 pounds." Civ Pro II
V*tter, Civil Procedure II: "As you enter Missouri, you see a sign: 'Welcome to Missouri, the Show-Me State. You are now subject to suit arising out of your use of our roads.'"
"You can understand contacts in the sense that you can understand English words. But you don't understand it in the sense of, 'What the heck is this doing for us?'"
"Asahi did what every lawyer does when their client is sued - call up the plaintiff asking for an extension of time to plead."
"Any tears you shed for the plaintiff here may be of the crocodile variety."
"'I think it's this way.' 'I think it's not.' Life is hard."
(Talking about a state determining who has valid title to property in another state:) "This is the so-called 'land taboo.'" (Sounds dirty.)
"When you encounter a legal argument that rests on metaphor, you should be immediately and deeply distressful."
"When hearing the jury award, he [the judge] is suddenly seized by an uncontrollable spasm of moral outrage. His conscience is shocked."
"Abducting [Mr. Alvarez Machain] is no small matter. He weighs at least... 300 pounds."
"[28 U.S.C.] § 1350 await[s] the kiss of the prince that will awaken it. Or, as some put it, the kiss of the prince that will turn it into a frog."
G*zman, Contracts: "Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered." (quoting his bankruptcy professor)
"If we can just convince ourselves that there was consideration, we can sleep better at night."
Hey, that's some pretty good work on behalf of 2011. Keep it up!
I <3 Vetter.
The new guy in the registrar's office is really nice! He's friendly and helpful and doesn't roll his eyes before you even finish your question. If there were comment cards in the registrar's office I would give him all "exceeds expectations."
vetter is a boalt treasure.
I've never encountered any problems with the Registrar's office. However, the positive comments about the new guy (Don?) are certainly well deserved. He is incredibly helpful and kind. Hope he sticks around.
I love what 8:06 wrote, if only because it illustrates how low our expectations have gone. (And before y'all jump on me, anon., that's a reflection on the rest of them more than on the new guy.)
Vetter does it better. Indeed.
9:50 is right. Face it, it's science.
Isn't M*ndi the acting registrar? Maybe her niceness is rubbing off as well.
I was shocked shocked shocked at how quickly the old registrar's office lived up to its reputation. Here's to hoping it's changed for good . . .
"I am in favor of the no-fault [auto insurance] system... AFTER the Revolution."
-- Professor Walks Around in His Socks
Levy (Torts):
“Tell me what I said, and I’ll tell you who to believe”
“Whenever you hear the word ‘implied’ it means I’m about to lie to you”
“Keeping embezzlers out of banks? I guess, actually, that has NOT been a public policy goal.”
“Insurance companies forget that their job is to give out money.”
“You can either plan OR pay.”
Student: ‘this might be a stupid question, but…’
Levy (interrupting): ‘don’t ask it.’
“If you are confused about it, it’s proof that you are NOT confused about it.” .
“Kids are not good tax shelters. They’re not good investments. They cost more than you get back”
“If I had three kids, and the first two of them just came along, and the third came along with a half a million dollars, I would NOT love that kid less.”
“You can’t have retroactive abortion, even if [the kids] are being real bad”
‘Who takes medicine with alcohol anyway? You take it with water, and THEN you go down and have a nice glass of chardonnay… so I don’t see the problem.”
“‘Is that Ana? Who are you?” [Student: “Charlotte”]. [Levy looks down at seating chart, then back to student]. “You’re right.”
[student]: “I’ve never really seen [violence in the workplace]” [Levy]: “You’ve never worked at the post office.”
“I’m in favor of a no-fault system, after the revolution.”
“If a client comes to your office and wants to bring a defamation suit, try and talk the client out of it.”
Weisselberg (Crim)
“[Being] a ‘rogue’ is kind of a status in kind of a quaint, and unconstitutional, way.”
Oh man... those Levy quotes are the funniest thing I've heard (read?) all day. Thanks for sharing!
Massey (Con Law):
“Might we say [that sex is fungible]? This obviously demeans the – you know – relational experience involved, but still…”
“There’s only so much alcohol you can drink. Of course, human beings are always testing the outer limits of this…”
“And Roosevelt says ‘over my crippled – but not yet dead – body!’”
“It’s literally impossible to ‘FUCK the draft’”
“It’s hard to get out of the house when you’re stoned all the time”
“I don’t want to [pick] on Michael Jackson, but my impression is… weird guy!”
“[Detroit] looks like Dresden after the war, except that the rubble’s been carted away.”
One more from Levy (Torts):
Student: “We’re talking Us Weekly; People has long articles.” Levy: “Yeah, some of them go like two paragraphs … You heard that Us Weekly actually won an award for best investigative SENTENCE?”
L*vy, Torts
[Walking in the front of the class, lecturing in his socks as he does every session. Stops. Pauses. Lifts up foot.]
"25 years teaching, and this is my first staple."
I *love* Levy! Officially the biggest heart at Boalt.
- sad graduating 3L
Legal Philosophy, Professor K.:
All chickens peck, but some are not pecked. The sovereign is the pecker that is not pecked.
There is only one way we ought to use the word "ought."
If a gunman says you ought to give me your money, and you refuse, you're dead wrong.
If you're at a stoplight in the middle of the night and no one is around, don't tell anyone you heard it here, but you ought to proceed through the light.
[About a visiting scholar] He was wondering if any crazy people were going to come to the seminar, because he'd heard that at Berkeley crazy people always go to the seminars. I should have just started muttering something incomprehensible.
The library used to be named the Kelson Library after Hans Kelson, who was also a professor here. Then the naming rights were bought by Longs Drugs. Berkeley used to have this fine tradition of naming buildings after prominent scholars, but it's being eroded quickly. But perhaps it's better than selling your art museum.
Retroactivity is one of the most interesting features of legal philosophy generally. Well, I don't know about interesting, but it generates a lot of papers.
Most people speak Chinese. No, really, they do. Count all the people in the world. You'll see.
The facts of biology give us a problem to solve, and law is a response to that problem.
Then there is a the view that marriage is a sacred covenant . . . between two unwilling teenagers.
Professor: How did the AIG problem come about?
Student: Because AIG was not contracting with its own money?
Professor: That's usually the best way to contract.
Put aside the blue collar workers, who are not entitled to rely on their employment contracts. History is proving that white collar workers will always demand that security.
Those of you with kids have probably played candy-land or snakes and ladders. I confess to cheating at those games to get them over with faster.
So, you're trying to poison your boss. What would be a good poison? A good poison first is lethal, second is untraceable, and has other good qualities. Actually, well, untraceable is probably WAY up there.
I once had a professor from Oxford who interpreted whatever a student had to say in the best way possible, which meant one of two things: he would make it as stupid as possible so it would make a suitable object for laughter, or as deep and significant as possible so it would be suitable for discussion. I'm still refining the technique.
Not exactly a professor quote, but worth recording for posterity.
Mindi (re: Vetter): "I know! I couldn't believe he had a cell phone either!"
Post a Comment
<< Home