Down the Rabbit Hole, with Madison Hamburg

A tipster sent in a poorly written e-mail that has gone out to at least a few of you Boalties calling for a boycott of tomorrow's Supreme Court session. It was sent under the name Madison Hamburg, which google says is a hotel in Germany. Given the writer's impoverished understanding of the Boalt Hall community, it makes sense that it was composed by an inanimate object from a foreign country. I hesitate to publish the e-mail, as it runs the gamut from intellectual bankruptcy to outright racism, but First Amendment and all that, so here we go. I'll post the full text in the comments. It might help to read it before continuing.

The e-mail identifies three issues with the current Court that concern the hotel. They all sort of boil down to "I'm racist and the Court isn't," but I'll leave them separate for the sake of addressing them in turn.

1) There are no "Christian White Males" on the Supreme Court. I was not aware of this, but the Madison Hamburg carefully proves its point by naming each justice and conclusively establishing both their non-White-Maleiness and obvious lack of judicial qualifications in a single word. For example, "Marvin Baxter--Armenian," "Ronald George--Jewish," and "Kathryn Werdegar--Female." Case closed.

The lack of a Christian White Male is important to the German hotel because

it was Christian White Males who founded this country, and it is unfair to completely passover [sic] them, to the detriment of our legal system. Also, overall, they seem to be the one [sic] with the most potential to be a scholarly ethical jurist [sick], and less likely to engage in shenanigan [sic], based on history and empirical evidence. Putting aside, of course, wise Latina females.

Zing. Once again, hard to argue with that evidence. We all know that Christian White Males are unlikely to engage in shenanigan. Everyone knows that, because of all the history and empirical evidence. Isn't that right, Ku Klux Klan? Like just the other day, I was talking to my White Christian Male friends, and I asked, "Hey, do you guys feel like engaging in any shenanigan today?" And everyone just busted up laughing because of how absurd that is. "Leave that to the Armenians!," Tom said, and everyone nodded in solemn agreement.

2) Justice Carlos Moreno. Now I know what you're thinking. "What could the Germans possibly have against Justice Moreno? He's on the short list to replace David Souter!" Well hold onto your dreads, hippies, because apparently he "is not a known legal scholar and was appointed because he is a Latino!" I hate when that happens. It's like, why go through all this trouble to follow the Constitution by electing a legislature that confirms judicial nominees after holding lengthy hearings where everything they have ever done or written is put on trial, if we're just going to undermine that process with this ridiculous Latino loophole?

And not only that, but apparently last year Justice Moreno "exercised his power to officiate weddings in order to marry two homosexual men." I may not understand all the powers our country grants to non-legal scholars solely on the basis of their race, but entering into a plural gay marriage strikes me as a clear abuse of position.

3) Drum roll. I know you thought the last two issues were quite serious, what with our state's highest court being entirely run by unqualified non-White-Male engagers in shenanigan, but the third point is the hotel's "most serious concern," and rightly so. Ron George, the 27th Chief Justice of the California Supreme Court, lives in... wait for it... Beverly Hills. 9021-freakin'-0! Right next to Tori Spelling, the talking chiuauas, and Hitler's ghost (probably!). This is "very odd and improper," and "tends to raise concerns about his personality, character, and world view." Obviously.

Our guess is that he likes to hang around the rich, famous and the powerful, shop at Rodeo Drive, and eat at fancy restaurants.

Guess?! He's probably wearing diamond-encrusted leather chaps and a chinchilla coat under that robe!

His residence in Beverly Hills had led to all sorts of problems, including a preclusion for taking bribes, nepotism, and upholding a light sentence for an attacker of Jewish men.

So if you are a Jew (and many of you are) or other minority, think how would you like to be in the position of the victims of said assault.

That's right, all you Jews and other minorities (aka "many of you"), you have a duty to your ethnicity to oppose diversity on the Supreme Court and these egregious injustices against Christian White Males! So says the Madison Hamburg. Four stars.