Straight From the Horse's Mouth: Spring 2010
It's time for the biannual professor quotes thread. See threads from previous years here.
If one were to graph my performance with respect to professor quotes since the beginning of law school, it would look a lot like the NASDAQ in late 2008. Sorry about that. What I do have from my classes this semester is posted in the comments.
As always, feel free to contribute, and best of luck on your exams!
If one were to graph my performance with respect to professor quotes since the beginning of law school, it would look a lot like the NASDAQ in late 2008. Sorry about that. What I do have from my classes this semester is posted in the comments.
As always, feel free to contribute, and best of luck on your exams!
Labels: Professor Quotes
posted by Patrick Bageant at 6:14 AM
27 Comments:
Corporations, Professor T.
Professor: Atlantic City is so out. For those of you who don’t know, all of the big time gambling in the United States takes place in the commodities markets. It’s not just about pork bellies anymore.
Student: What about subprime mortgage credit derivative swaps?
Professor: Oh, that’s where the rest of the United States gambling takes place.
Professor: This is the Disney case, or, “why it was really, really good to be Michael Ovitz in the mid 1990’s.”
For a while New Jersey and Delaware were in a race to be the most friendly place for corporations, but New Jersey – being New Jersey – lost.
[working through multiple choice question] Is the answer (a) less than 8%, (b) exactly 8%, (c) more than 8%, (d) there is not enough information to tell, or (e) none of the above? . . . let’s just work by process of elimination; unless my mathematical intuitions are wrong, (e) cannot be correct because (a)-(c) cover the entire number line, to infinity in either direction. But how many of you guessed (e) anyway – wait, don’t raise your hands.
That’s just fabulously, NASA-Mars-Landing wrong.
First Amendment, Professor CM
MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER!! . . . free speech?
I’m old fashioned by the way – I’m reluctant to call people by their first names. Unless I know you very well, it seems like a gross invasion of your personal space.
Student 1: [asks question]
Professor: The answer to your question depends on – oh, another question? Whew. Go ahead.
Student 2: [No, you should go ahead and answer her question]
Professor: Oh, I wasn’t actually going to answer it. No one knows the answer to her question so I was just going to talk for a while and leave her in a stew.
Professor [to student]: Well, the defendant made that argument and lost.
Student: Yeah, but I’m going to make that argument and win!
Professor: Suppose California passes a tax on marijuana -- $50 an ounce.
Student: Fifty dollars an ounce? Wow, that’s cheap!
[whole class] No, no, that’s just the TAX.
Student: Oh, never mind. I understand.
Professor: You looked pretty excited there for a moment.
Professor: [to student] “Yes, Mr. X, what do you think?”
Student: “I’m sorry, I think you caught me in a hand gesture that wasn’t, uh, raising my hand.”
Professor: “I see. Don’t ever go to an auction house.”
[Comparing Boalt to Hastings]: You guys [at Boalt] shouldn’t be so cocky. You don’t have a lock on leftist sentiment.
Professor: Mr X, what do you think about this question?
Student X: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening closely enough.
Professor: That’s okay – it’s probably my fault for failing to make it sufficiently interesting.
Criminal Procedure, Professor Sk.
This is the most interesting class in law school. There has never been a TV show called ‘Law and Order, Chapter 11.’
Cocaine dealer Billy Greenwood had a house that was hard to see from the street, he lived in the hills above Laguna Beach where lots of people were eager to purchase his product. He had a good deal going, selling cocaine, discarding incriminating evidence in the trash . . . until . . . he ran into Police Inspector Jenny Stracnor, an unusually determined police officer.
I was clerking for Justice Blackmun when this case [holding airplane flyovers were not “searches” under the 4th Amendment] was decided. This whole argument assumes we live in the world of the Jetsons, where everyone has a plane and can fly over houses at a whim. We don’t live in the Jetson’s world – people don’t have planes and helicopters, and so this is unusual enough to be a “search.” I wrote this long memo, and Blackmun met with me and said, “well, I read your memo but I’m going to go with the majority on this one.” I said, “But what about the JETSONS???” And he said: “Yes, I was wondering about that . . . what are the Jetsons”?
The White Panthers wanted very much to be in there with the Black Panther guys, so they would call them up a lot and say “we’re with you,” to which the Black Panthers would say “we’re busy.” Unfortunately for the White Panthers, the FBI was listening the whole time.
The police were waiting at the other side of the restaurant for a signal from their informant, upon which they would sweep in and arrest the bad guy. Do you know what the signal was? You’ll never guess, because you all live in the 20th Century. Anyone? No? It was lighting a cigarette. Of course, now, if you light up in a restaurant the police will still come swarming in around you, but for a totally different reason. Yes, those were happier times . . .
Criminal Procedure, Professor Sk., Continued
By the way, as 3rd year students you all just sort of assume, you pretend, you know what ‘common law rule’ means. Unless you are really different from me when I was in law school, you probably don’t actually have any clue.
Raise your hands if any of you have ever felt unfairly harassed by a police officer. [most hands in class go up]. Obviously you people are not friends with Justice Souter – because his opinion in Atwater makes it pretty clear that neither he nor anyone he knows has ever felt that way.
Profesor: [to student] Miss X, what is probable cause?
Miss X: Um . . .
Professor; VERY good! After reading these two cases, “um. . .” is the only honest answer anyone can give.
The informant told him the suspect would be wearing brown slacks and white shoes . . . that’s a big tip-off right there, because it is a huge fashion no-no.
We have talked often about the gap between the world as it is and the world as the Supreme Court of the United States thinks it is. That is a gap that is unusually narrow in Earl Warren’s opinions. He was inclined to ask, “What makes sense?” and not, “Oooooo! Let’s see what Blackstone said!”
Among those on President Johnson’s commission [to reduce crime and riots] was the governor of Illinois . . . he was a former Army Officer, and as it turned out, a future convict. Part of a long tradition of Illinois governors.
You might be worried that cops act on racial bias. Why might you worry about that? Well, one reason might be that you live in the United States.
What does the Court mean when they say “high crime area?” They don’t mean corners around investment banks where they think there might be insider trading. They mean areas with poverty and high concentrations of radical minorities.
Why did the police [in Maryland v. Buie] take the red running suit from his basement? Why? Because wearing a red running suit around is a fashion crime?
By the way, this opinion was from the early ‘90’s, just when Justice O’Connor was starting to get under Justice Scalia’s skin. If you look to opinions from this era where Scalia and O’Connor are on opposite sides you’ll see what I mean – something about this brings out the worst in him!
The way the automobile exception to the Fourth Amendment works is: if the police could get a warrant, they don’t need one.
“ . . . reasonable suspicion that the person is here illegally” . . . that is the trigger by which this new Arizona law requires officers to stop people on the street and ask for papers. Now, what criteria could police possibly use to make that evaluation? Anyone? Anyone?
Evidence, Professor ES
For the rest of your lives you will hear my voice when you practice law: relevance, relevance, and relevance.
Day 1: I can tell immediately this is not a 1L class. I taught civil procedure last semester, and the front rows were full.
Day 2: So, still, none of you want to sit in the front.
How many of you have been on a jury . . . one? . . . oh dear.
How many of you have been on a jury . . . only one? . . . oh, dear. I have tried to sit on juries twice, and been excluded both times. Not because I practiced law and tried cases, not because I now teach law, but because I teach EVIDENCE LAW. And it was the judge who struck me. He asked “can you follow my instructions?” and I said, “Yes! I know my role!” and he said “ . . . Dismissed.”
Student: This is going to sound sort of sexist, but imagine a situation where there are 12 men on the jury and they are receiving testimony about this woman who owns a gun . . . could you argue that there is a danger they will think tha—
Professor: They’ll think she’s cool?
Elegance in Legal Thought & Expression, Dean BB
Would Robert Bork have been confirmed if only he had a better beard? We’ll never know . . .
You forgot one from DS:
"From time to time social scientists will survey the American public to learn whether people know their constitutional rights. And researchers learn the same thing that they learn when they ask whether Americans know geography or history. People are stupid."
patrick, i've been reading your professor quotes since 1L and it bringd a smile to my face every single time. thanks a lot for doing it.
any way you can get GL and DS's last comments for con law and crim pro, respectively?
as 3Ls, i think we need all the motivation possible heading into the bar.
Evidence professor ES had some pretty good ones, but unfortunately I wasn't writing them down! Here's what I've got from:
Information Privacy, Professor PS
Spell check really changed my life, because now I really only need to get in the neighborhood of the right spelling, and then I can just say "spell check, take me home!" By the way, F. Scott Fitzgerald also had this issue.
So I got in the tubes of the Internet, the Googles and all that difficult stuff.
[speaking of the migration of African-Americans from the south to the north in the 1940s-70s] This led to the electrification of blues music, since they were playing in loud clubs. And this, inevitably, led to the greatest development of Western civilization, which is rock and roll music.
He's a cop, maybe he just had a donut and he's up for something! Maybe he's ready to get out there and look for some d-r-u-g-s! Book 'im, Dan-o!
Dietemann came out in 1971, which is very important, because it's one year before the Rolling Stones released Exile on Main Street
10:39, I'm not in GL's class, but DS's comment were startling and quite touching. I must have been too spellbound to type, but maybe someone else has them?
Income Tax, Professor Gam.
"Rak*wski tells me I need to be more cynical and sarcastic. So, this is my attempt . . . [later, after class laughs] . . . Apparently if you make fun of students, that's the way to go."
"Feel free to ask questions, or, if you already know this, feel free to surf the Web."
[after a line about religion] "If you want to be cynical, pretend I did quotes there. If you are easily offended, pretend I didn't."
Estates and Trusts, Professor R.
"This is one of the biggest mistakes made by people who live in Berkeley. The United States is NOT like Berkeley, okay??"
[Advice on converting substantial property into community property once married.] "Just, just wait a while. I mean, look at the statistics. Odds are you aren't going to stay married to the person you married."
My personal favorite:
"Unlike marriage, adoption is forever."
Evidence, Professor DS
“In this country it’s not a crime to have a gun; it’s yanky doodle dandy! It’s great to have a gun. But not if you’re a felon, then it’s illegal to have a gun.”
[regarding hearsay rule] “It’s like we’re on the Nutty Bus, and the problem isn’t that we’re on it, the problem is deciding where to get off.”
“The hearsay rule is a nasty beast.”
“That’s a really good question. I should have a question like that in my casebook. Oh, wait, I already do! [laughter] OK, I’m being snide, I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t make sense for a criminal defendant to say he can’t confront himself. If you want to confront yourself, take a break, go to town!”
[matter-of-factly] “It makes you a bad parent to be murderously violent.”
“You need to pay for marijuana. It doesn’t just grow on trees...it grows on bushes.”
“There are certainly some people who would be better jurors stoned than other people sober.”
“The probability that Miley Cyrus will become President one day is not 0. It’s at least possible. I mean, think of some of the other people who have been elected.”
Corporate Tax, Professor ER:
"[Non-resourse debt] is the problem in America today. It's not the problem with commercial real estate, though that shoe is about to drop, but with residential."
[Paraphrase:] "There is a lot of useless information in the world... one of the things to figure out, to lead a good life, is to figure out what information is useful, and what is noise."
"He had a number of boats, all of them named Pea Picker. I would be embarrassed to even be on a boat named Pea Picker, but..."
"A doesn't want to get taxed on the corporate level for X Corp, impoverishing A. Well, not really impoverishing--making him less rich."
"IRS has allowed a basis-first approach even though the statute seems to say otherwise! You just have to get used to this free-wheeling on the part of our taxing authorities."
"(Talking about the distance between his house and Boalt.) I did have one student walk to my house, he was a triathlete. [pause.] Unfortunately by the time he arrived he had perspired so much that he was unpleasant to be around."
[Student:] "Would this be, in corporate parlance, a 'white knight'?"
[Prof:] "If there is no damsel's call, is the new entrant into this competition a white knight or another predator?"
"Insurance Commissioner raises all these stupid objections and goes, 'No, no no no no, not until you pay me off.' (Laughter.) Well, maybe it didn't go that way."
Summarizing a circuit court's reasoning: "The statute says 'solely,' K?"
"I don't want to serve on juries. Whenever I get called to a jury, I wear a suit. It shows that you side with the establishment."
"Some people in the electronic age are accustomed to /immediate/ answers, and I say, 'Chill.'"
"Everyone with us? (long, 10 second pause, everyone looking confused.) On reflection, it will make sense."
Corporations, Professor ET:
(imitating an Idahoan plaintiff) "But if we sue Ms. Doty, the money comes from Omaha, or even better, Connecticut!"
"It's very hard to get Spock to come in and do the Vulcan Mind Meld, his expert fees are exorbitant."
"The first chartered corporation was the East India Tea Company... it was big, it was the McDonalds of its time."
Constitutional Law, Professor JD:
"The French... I forget what they were doing... they're always doing something wrong."
"The French never do enough."
"[Making the winning argument] is hard sometimes... BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE PAID FOR. That's what you're paid for."
"Law school is a cruel mistress... well, that's not right... law school is cruel."
"In modern America, pets have quite often taken the place of children."
"I know nothing about biology, but I am told there is a disease called sickle-cell anemia."
"I always end up apologizing for the fact that the case law is unclear. But it's not really my fault."
"Know anything about Hungary? (Student: No) Me neither. That's why we can talk about it!"
"There is a feeling that we are a federal government."
Complex Civil Litigation, Professor McG:
"Everybody loves porn. Except when it's in the hands of their kids."
Law of Lawyering, Professor RT:
"However badly you [mutter] up, don't try to cover it up."
"You used to be able to talk flight counter people out of [what flight someone was on and when], but it's harder to do so now."
Prof. Sy*d:
"Economists have an ample series of tools by which they translate anything you care about into something they've either already addressed or something irrational."
DS, Criminal Procedure,re: The public's knowledge of Miranda Rights
"Since everyone knows these rights, we are wasting by repeating them. Instead, we should say something else we want people to know...like 'form contracts may not be enforceable in court'”
Contracts prof ME:
“People would say to me, 'do you know how to use Lexis?’ I’d say, ‘Sure, I know how to use Lexis – I tell my assistant to use Lexis.’”
“one of these brothels hired a man, who calls himself a prosti-dude!” followed by ME laughing at his own joke.
"Can't escape the microphone. It will seek you out."
"Short answer - I don't know. Long answer - Probably not."
Representation of Law in Film, professor VA
From memory, slightly paraphrased:
"Aaron Sorkin is a friend of mine."
"I know Aaron Sorkin, actually."
"Aaron Sorkin."
"Have you guys heard of the Tea Bagger party?"
Torts, Professor PH
"Avast ye!"
"Poor mr harper just sits there looking pathetic" (about a paraplegic)
"It'd be like you were on cocaine!"
"Idiots have to pay their way, corporate moguls dont"
"If you take out your gun and shoot your girlfriend in the butt..."
"Send the guests off in a bus to the streets of calcutta where they get eviscerated by the dens of thieves that live there.."
"They're all a bunch of bastards!"
"Use our mental hospitals like the Soviets, to get awkward people out of the way"
"It'll be just like you were flying on JetBlue" (about opening up slides)
"And everybody would die and it would be a huge holocaust and a great scene in a movie"
"Lets say he was eating bagels and lox just to be culturally inclusive"
"How cute is the mailman?"
"Newspaperperson"
"Hello, would you like some liability?" "NO! CRUSHING LIABILITY!"
"It's the Usual bullshit..UBS. "
"I wanna say that you're wrong in a sensitive way."
"I only grovel once a day"
"He's a virtual plaintiff who recovers a virtual judgment of virtual money"
"This is like Tinkerbell, I believe in fairies, I believe in fairies"
"There are all these deep pockets, and then there are pockets like my pockets which have keys but no money in them"
"This is one of those few things that has nothing to do with sex"
"There are some defendants that would hug me, but that's a different course"
"That was wonderful. I didn't understand a single word."
"I was an idiot! And I wanted to ski! Which is basically the same thing"
"Have you ever tried to bargain with the Girl Scouts?"
"The dome of the courthouse would open and the Lord would look down and say 'yes'"
"I did it in the backseat of an SUV once"
"There are still two, just a lot smaller" (about shrunken testicles)
"You're like pirates, your job is to siphon off money from the productive people"
"It's the wet part of Texas you have to be worried about"
"When i was young, people didn't have commercials like that because they thought it was embarrassing, but people have no shame anymore"
"On the other hand, what is Kobe doing trying to get onto a bus?"
"The redemption of the world begins with one act...there'll be senseless acts of kindness everywhere!"
"You can imagine that there are lots of lovey dovey things going on before Christmas"
"If i've missed an entire area of torts law, then I'll go into my office, have a couple pelts of scotch and count off"
T*lley, Corps
"You can't move into burritos, dude!"
"Horsey and duckey contracts."
"Navel-gazing discussion."
"Butt-ass-hard."
"You're going to think I'm an asshole [due to math]."
"They may not be able to screw you over with impunity."
Shit or get off the pot + fish or cut bait + T*lley = "Fish or get off the pot."
"It's sortof like a platonic allegory of the cave." (describing good faith and fair dealing in bond Ks)
"Don't assume you're going to be a Teflon jacket."
"Sisyphean battle to win."
Con Law, Professor GL
"This is really just like School House Rock ... (singing) I'm only a bill sittin' on Capitol Hill ... "
"I hate technology."
Parting thoughts (paraphrased) - Never be afraid to speak your mind for fear that one day someone in the Senate will ask you about it.
CivPro, Professor DO
"Are you up for a little role-playing?"
Crim, Professor CW
"There is no such thing as a smooth criminal."
Con Law JC:
"But what about the debt adjusters????"
Evidence, Professor DS:
[asking if anyone has recorded lecture]
Student: "Do you have a Mac?"
DS: "Yeah, I can Mac it, I think."
Now look, just because Justice Scalia said it doesn't mean it's silly. He often says things that make sense.
He [Thomas Reid] was one of those guys who went clubbing with David Hume.
Well, you took the salty sexism out of it. We'll put it back in.
...what is Judge Weinstein smoking? We're not dealing with some kook judge! Do you know about Judge Weinstein? Raise your hand if you know who he is. [no one raises hand] He is really famous! He decided the Agent Orange case. He has a book about him called Weinstein's Evidence. This is not just some yokel from the country. He's in Brooklyn! This is a smart judge!
So what was Justice... whoa, whoa. I just scared myself. What does JUDGE Kozinski say here?
Everyone knows how email works -- it goes over several servers where there can be people sitting in a room eating Doritos and giggling over what they're reading.
That's a very well-articulated sneeze. Mine never sound like that :(
Yesterday, when I said the Rockford Files was the best show ever I heard skeptical laughter, so I figured I needed to educate you guys with your Mad Men and your Wire.
[paraphrasing Scalia] Woe is us; what has happened to America that we have to go to psychotherapy?
Justice Scalia has many modes. I don't know, have you seen this [John Belushi] on the Youtube? He would get more and more riled until he topples over. This is one of Justice Scalia's modes, and that's what's happening in this dissent.
Income Tax, Prof. DG
[paraphrasing]
"The reason case X is in this practice exam is because we discussed it at length that year, as the class seemed really interested in it. However, I raised this case this year and you all stared at me blankly, so I assume you're not as interested."
Here's another one from Info Privacy professor, PS:
"I have been teaching for 21 years, which means my teaching career is now old enough to be served beer.”
Con Law, JC:
"Suppose I'm running for office? What if it comes out? Ch___r takes dope. That's not gonna help."
"You know what a multi-factored analysis usually means? The judge can come out however he wants."
Regarding bad opinions: "It's like a loaded gun. It just sits there. Sometimes they use it, sometimes they don't."
Student: "The uniform gives him power."
JC: "How does it give him power? What is he, Superman?"
"Computers. Heh. I'm the last one to say this. Computers? You can do a lot with those things!"
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