Solutions for Making New Cafe Zeb Less Like a Sad Tomb of Silence and More Like the Linoleum-and-Mismatched-Chairs 90's Party It Used to Be

In case you never had the pleasure of rocking out to Boyz II Men while eating a chicken quesadilla (R.I.P.) in the old Café Zeb, you have been sorely deprived. The new Café Zeb is architecturally stunning, but sadly quiet now that there’s no music, the floor is made of stone, and it’s the most well-lit portion of the new addition (drawing people to study there rather than the Deep Earth levels of the new library).

As several commenters on N&B have pointed out, this is clearly an unacceptable state of affairs and something must be done. But instead of kvetching about it (as we are prone to do on N&B), I propose we brainstorm some real solutions. To inspire some discussion, here are five modest ideas I put together – feel free to add your own in the comments:

(1) Tell our BHSA reps to spend $50 of the bounty they collected by overcharging us on textbooks to purchase a Boom Box for Café Zeb.* 3Ls will then be responsible for bringing their childhood 8-tracks, or maybe some burned CDs,** and will take turns playing our ‘tunes.

(2) Organize various Café Zeb flash mobs to disturb the activities of misguided students who think they can STUDY where they are really meant to EAT and SOCIALIZE. Hey 1Ls – looking for ways to earn coolness points? Organize a Café Zeb flash mob. For example: At 12:45 next Monday, have 15 people who appear to be reading in Café Zeb burst out singing “Don’t Stop Believin” while sprinkling jelly beans on every open textbook in your vicinity.

(3) Show up to Café Zeb at 10am when it is the most silent and tomb-like. Suddenly and unexpectedly make a very, very loud noise.

(4) Encourage more LLMs to sit in Cafe Zeb, as they are generally loud and unaware of their surroundings (love you though!)

(5) Appoint a Café Zeb monitor*** responsible for Boom Box maintenance, ensuring individual students don’t take up an ENTIRE BOOTH (when the signs clearly say for “Groups of 3 or More”) just so they can spread out all their textbooks while sitting on a plush seat, and making sure people clean up after themselves. That last point is unrelated to the whole silence issue, but seriously guys, I slipped on an avocado slice the other day and it really hurt.

*If you think this is ridiculous and that we should instead buy speakers and an iPod dock, you clearly don’t understand what Café Zeb is meant to be. I don’t want to hear your new Lil’ Wayne downloads from iTunes when I could be listening to Mariah Carey circa 1995.

**Acceptable genres of music include, but are not limited to: Boy bands, slow jamz, 90’s music, Motown hits, R Kelly, and elevator music.

***Who shall wear a golden sash.