Saturday, December 05, 2009

Stop Chewing So Damn Loud in the Library or Proper Library Etiquette

Since I know you all have come to look to me for advice on how to behave in public (hint: it involves consistent heavy drinking) Peter and I wanted to give everyone a helpful guide of what not to do in the library:
  1. Don't cut your toenails. You know who you are.

  2. Don't wear perfume or cologne. This is a library not a fucking Abercrombie. If we can smell you and you're not making out with one of us then you're wearing too much fragrance.

  3. While we're on odors, take a shower. Again, if we can smell you and we're not making out there is a definite issue.

  4. Don't laugh. This is finals. We realize none of us are actually studying in our carrels, but don't break the illusion. (Also, Gunners, adverse possession isn't fucking funny).

  5. Don't chew with your mouth open. Don't grunt, don't snort, don't snuffle. We're right fucking next to you, dude. So every time you smack your lips while chewing that gum, grunt when you readjust your pants or groan when the combination of coffee and cheetos you've been eating for the last four days makes your stomach hurt, we can hear it. And it's gross. And we're studying. And did we mention it's gross?

  6. Don't come here if you're sick. Oh, poor you, you're sick. Get the fuck out of our library. You disgust us, you're distracting us, and if you get us sick we're going to knife you. (But not in the library because only a huge asshole would come to the library sick).

  7. Turn your cellphone to silent. Silent doesn't mean vibrate. AND DON'T FUCKING ANSWER IT.

  8. Stop unbuttoning your pants, loosening your belt or doing anything else that would remind us of my grandpa in an Italian restaurant. This isn't your fucking bedroom. You want to take off your clothes? Go home, or at least to the Student Center.

  9. See that thing about a half inch above your mouth? Breath through it. If it's clogged up, blow it. If it whistles, blow it. Blow ≠ sniffle incessantly. Honestly, you're probably sick so gtfo of the library.

  10. Just plain shut up. Stop talking. Right now. Whispering is talking. Yes, we can hear you. No, you don't understand proximate cause. Now shut up.

Peter helped me put this list together, but if you see him tell him (in American Sign Language, see rule #10) to zip up his fucking pants.

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Blogger Patrick said...

11) Don't eat apples.

12/05/2009 1:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I don't normally have a problem with dropping the f-bomb, you seem to have an issue with it.

12/05/2009 2:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

12) Don't listen to music at full volume. Even though you're wearing headphones, it's quiet enough (at least in the Reading Room) that everyone near you can hear it. It's really distracting. Lower the volume, or if you really need to blast the music, go study in the North Addition.

12/05/2009 2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why don't YOU assholes leave the fucking library? GO HOME and update Ninnies & Bullshit there if you don't want to be around other people.

12/05/2009 3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

@2:39: SO TRUE, though i'm guilty of this more often than i realize. but still the fact remains: no matter how fancy your headphones are, I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR DRAGONFORCE & I DON'T APPRECIATE IT.

12/05/2009 3:27 PM  
Anonymous Your Momma said...

"Excuse me. Your music is kinda loud. Would you mind turning it down?"

That's all it takes, kids.

12/05/2009 3:35 PM  
Blogger James said...

I'm sorry, 3:06, I didn't realize we were all sitting in your library.

Also, 2:12, you're allowed to say fuck in the comments. We won't tell your parents.

12/05/2009 3:43 PM  
Blogger James said...

Also, I have a general message for all of the N&B shit talkers:

12/05/2009 3:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

13) I guess this follows naturally from #2-3: Don't bring smelly food into the reading room. This is similar to the rule against bringing loud food (chips, carrots). Come on, eat it before/after, or bring something less smelly/loud.

12/05/2009 4:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The irony in the 3:43 comment is just overwhelming.

12/05/2009 4:25 PM  
Blogger Armen said...

I had a different set of rules when it came time for the library.

1) Avoid it at all costs.
2) Those who study in the library are generally unpleasant, tweaked out on prescription or other narcotics, and smelly. Therefore, see #1.
3) If you must be in the library, it might be fun to piss off the smelly adderall fiends.
4) Avoid it at all costs.

12/05/2009 4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

are law students really "tweaked out" on adderall and other narcotics, 4:43 & others?

12/05/2009 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

This post was neither informative nor funny. Just douchey.

12/05/2009 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

5:13 see "Matt"'s post for an example of a tweaked out law student.

12/05/2009 5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I disagree with this post. Follow the library rules; don't eat super smelly food, and don't talk loudly, but whispering or eating carrot sticks or whatever needs to be tolerated. Go get some earplugs and put them in. If food really bothers you, go to any other library on campus; the reading room is one of the only indoor public spaces on campus that allows food and drink. Finally, if you hate hearing people whisper about adverse possession, go to the music library and listen to clarinetists whisper about their favorite reed.

But if being in the library is totally freaking you out, you are not going to do well on your in-class exams, because the gum-smacking, paper-shuffling, sighing person driving you crazy will be in the row in front of you. Learn to shit it out.

12/05/2009 6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the authors of this post seem to be tweaking out a bit. relax.

12/05/2009 6:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure they wrote this as a joke...

12/05/2009 6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Learn to shit it out."

Hahaha...what? I don't get it. What do you want them to do with it?

12/05/2009 7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, but seriously what is with the foot guy? Either clipping toe nails or applying some sort of acetone-ish substance to his feet?

It's distracting me from Youtube.

12/05/2009 9:02 PM  
Blogger quiubomona said...

6:50: If you think this is a joke, you obviously don't know Peter. This is a very, very serious matter.

Armen: I have never agreed with you about anything before. But you are right on this one. If there is any other place where you can study, AVOID THE LIBS.

12/05/2009 9:44 PM  
Blogger Armen said...

Armen: I have never agreed with you about anything before.

You like Nancy Grace?

12/05/2009 9:50 PM  
Blogger James said...

It wouldn't be the internet if someone didn't call someone else a douche :)

12/05/2009 10:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It this wasn't written as a joke, then the new batch of 1Ls really disappoint me.

12/06/2009 12:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It this wasn't written as a joke, then the new batch of 1Ls really disappoint me."

Whats with these gross generalizations. They seem to pop up every year.

While there might be some differences between the class of '92 and '12 (and even that I doubt), Boalt probably hasn't changed all that much in the past 3 years.

12/06/2009 9:15 AM  
Anonymous The Voice of Reason said...

Anybody who doesn't find this funny either hasn't been in the library or has been in the library far too long.

Honestly, I avoid the law library like the plague... the stress is palpable. Better to find a quiet place elsewhere to listen to music and study.

12/06/2009 2:16 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

"It this wasn't written as a joke, then the new batch of 1Ls really disappoint me."

What does that even mean? It's a humorously written critique of the funny shit that annoys us all in the library. Obviously. There aren't like two ways to read it.

What is your definition of "joke?"

12/06/2009 2:19 PM  
Anonymous The Voice of Reason said...

Sorry, Dan, you're questioning his definition of a joke, and it's the plaintiff's prima facie case to disprove its status as joke.

He can then make an affirmative defense.

12/06/2009 2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did someone claiming to be the 'voice of reason' just apply procedural legal standards to a series of blog comments? Really?!?

12/06/2009 2:54 PM  
Anonymous The Voice of Reason said...

Indeed I did. I did indeed. It's the only thing I have left to keep me from going insane, and I'd really rather keep the title than switch to "The voice of complete and utter insanity."

I'd need to print up new business cards and change my outgoing voicemail.

12/06/2009 2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the person currently blowing their nose hella loud in the cubbies: Go to the doctor! You have swin flu!

12/06/2009 4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12/06/2009 4:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blow to your heart's content!

12/06/2009 5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Said the Bishop to the Actress.

12/06/2009 5:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post just confirms my earlier suspicions that James is in fact too polite for law school.

12/06/2009 6:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At this point, the nose-blowing is a joke, right?

12/06/2009 7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what's this, a post by a bunch of nerds nerding it up in a library of nerds. neeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdddddddddssssssssssssssssss

12/07/2009 5:40 PM  
Blogger Juliet said...

LOL -- this brings me back, though perhaps a little too vividly!

Hi, I am Juliet. I am a junior attorney and neophyte blogger and I recently found your website. I hope that you will consider this invitation to join a new web ring, “The Bob Loblaw Attorney & Law Student Web Ring”.

(Add “Arrested Development” to your Netflix queue if you aren’t familiar with the Bob Loblaw reference--I highly recommend it!)

Although I have been blogging for only a short time, I have discovered that there are a lot of good sites written by law students and new practitioners, covering a wide range of topics. Finding these blogs, however, is often a long and winding road. Hence, the recent brainstorm to create this web ring connecting the sites to one another.

I hope that you will consider joining. The host entity, is a highly rated web ring service and will not sell or trade your personal information. It is also easy to join. The anticipated result? With a little publicity and a little time we can build a community of sorts, bringing new and growing traffic to worthwhile blogs.

The link to join is:

Once you go to the above link and click on “sign in” near the top right, you will need to go through a short sign-up process. At the end, you will be given several lines of code to copy and paste onto your blog's homepage. After that, I can officially approve your entry into the ring and you will be connected to the other sites joining.

Good luck with exams!


My blog:

12/07/2009 8:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Juliet! Where's Romeo!? alol

12/07/2009 10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Juliet! I'd love to join your blog, but first, can you help me smuggle $4 million out of my secret Nigerian bank account?!

12/07/2009 10:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to the guy who just shushed me in the library while I was whispering: FUCK YOU.

Yah, I won't say it to your face. And you probably wont read this.

But.... uhhhh... Yah.

12/07/2009 11:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


FUCK YOU too asshole. I don't think whispering in the library is a big deal, and I don't shush people.

But if you are bothering people in the library, and they let you know, why don't you just shut the fuck up and take it outside. You can talk to your hearts content in 99.0% of the world out there. Why not let that probably stressed out kid study in peace in the library.

12/08/2009 10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you people get this stressed about tests, I can only imagine how terrible your life is going to be once you start work.

12/08/2009 11:04 AM  
Anonymous The Voice of Reason said...

1: mass studying at Boalt
2: two or three adventurous 1Ls wander into the undergraduate libraries
3:they each tell a close friend
4:word gets out
5:undergraduate libraries become as stuffy and unbear[get it? it's a pun. Bear. Berkeley.]able as the law library.
6:there are no nice libraries on campus available.
7:those of us with roommates who insist on blasting techno music really really loud sigh and shamble wearily through the streets.
8:one thing leads to another
9:the world ends in fire, brimstone, and zombies.

12/08/2009 11:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I study at home in my bedroom while my spouse supervises my very loud children in the living room so that I an avoid the library and the law school completely. The tension, it suffocates.

The upside, the fire alarms could go off during my finals and I probably wouldn't notice.

12/12/2009 8:48 PM  

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