START >> You wake up on the floor of your apartment, coming off a Peeps-induced sugar high from the night before, and realize that BHSA elections are upon us…CHAPTER 1: Deciding Whether to Vote
A) Vote?! Haha. You are a jaded law student. Do you really think BHSA does anything? Do you really think if you voted, your vote would count? Do you even believe that we co-exist in anything but a purely solipsistic universe of one mind and infinite illusion?? Of course not. You eat a bowl of Cap’n Crunch and decide to zone out from all this BHSA crap for the rest of the week. [JUMP TO CH. 4A!]
B) Can voting count as my exercise for the week? In any case, sure – I’ll vote. [MOVE TO CH. 2!]CHAPTER 2: Due Diligence
A) Thank goodness your student group told you who to vote for. Now all you have to do is show up, cast a ballot for your cause, and all will be well. [JUMP TO CH. 4B!]
B) You go to the candidate speeches event today at 12:45 in room 105. [MOVE TO CH. 3!]
C) You do independent research by talking to the candidates, visiting their facebook groups, and reading their candidate statements before voting. [JUMP TO CH. 4C!]
D) You have heard rumors. Dark, scary rumors of collusion, fascism, and porn… lots of porn. You will not vote for Porninators. [JUMP TO CH. 4D!]CHAPTER 3: Critical Analysis
A) You eat some free pizza and play USA Today’s crossword puzzle. What is a 5-letter word for “Where pies are feet”?? Oops – meeting is over. [JUMP TO CH. 4A!]
B) You listen intently as the candidates babble about LRAP. Are you scared about LRAP? We will make sure LRAP is okay. Under my watch, LRAP is like baby Jesus in his manger, surrounded by incense and fluffy barn animals. You absorb this information and feel prepared to vote. [JUMP TO CH. 4E!]
C) You listen to the speeches, and then get your cross-examination on! “Oh, you want to protect the LRAP, do you?? I dare you to DESCRIBE the current state of our LRAP.” I’m like a CEO hiring you to be my spokesperson next year – so you better be friggin amazing. [JUMP TO CH. 4F!]CHAPTER 4: Conclusion
A) Congratulations! You’ve earned unlimited free rides on the Waaaaahmbulance next year any time you express dissatisfaction with LRAP / student fees / construction / etc. You are part of the student body – as such, you are represented by the BHSA. If you renounce any part in helping to shape that body of leaders, or do so in a half-assed manner, then you have lost your right to complain. You are: HYPOCRITE DOUCHE!
B) All of a sudden, it gets very cold. You have one brain cell, and look for another so you can rub them together and create a spark. ALAS! You do not have two brain cells to rub together. You do as you’re told without inquiring further: Would other candidates serve my cause just as well, or better? Just because they haven’t been hand-selected by my student group, does that mean they’re against my student group? Or does it just mean that sometimes politics at Boalt are not unlike a cartel? So many questions – so difficult to answer without doing some original thinking. You are: AUTOMATON DOUCHE!
C) You have no appetite for rhetoric, but are responsible nonetheless. Congratulations!! Your doucheyness has substantially decreased. You are: PARAGON OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY!
D) Oh no! You’re an idiot. Don’t you know by now that rumors at Boalt are 40% lies, 40% exaggeration, 15% lack of sex, and 5% caffeine high?? You’d be better off not voting than voting based on misinformation. You are: SUPER DOUCHE!!
E) Nice try, but you have only marginally decreased your douchyness with this attempt. There are lots of reasons why a law student might want to be on BHSA – among them, prestige, power, resume-building… but also a desire to lead, to change the status quo, to fairly represent their peers. You can’t fairly determine which motives are driving a candidate until you ask the tough questions – that means not letting them get away with the same stupid babble. You are: EARNEST DOUCHE!
F) Surprisingly, despite your apparent red hotness, you are less douchey than most! Elections are one example of a time when aggressive inquisitiveness is appropriate. Congratulations, you are: INTELLIGENT CONSTITUENT!
END >> Vote on Weds/Thurs in the Donor Lobby from 10am-2pm.